


Carlisle and Bella's Bogus Journey

by The_Carnivorous_Muffin, Vinelle



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Attempted Murder, Buddy comedy, Canon - Book, Comedy, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Hallucination Edward, Male-Female Friendship, Newborn Vampires (Twilight), Road Trips, Suicide, Time Travel, early modern english
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28842966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Carnivorous_Muffin/pseuds/The_Carnivorous_Muffin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinelle/pseuds/Vinelle
Summary: Unfortunately for Bella, the wolves do not show up in time to save her from Laurent. Fortunately for Bella, it seems like the universe refuses to let her die. She is transported back to an English forest, 1664, and a suicidal newborn Carlisle is talking Shakespearean gibberish while trying desperately not to eat her.Cowritten by Vinelle and The Carnivorous Muffin.
Relationships: Carlisle Cullen & Bella Swan
Comments: 32
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

Bella was currently lying on her back embracing death.

It was raining, of course it was raining, and Bella was soaked to the bone. If she wasn’t set on dying, she’d probably be worried about that.

Well, set on dying was a strong term. Bella hadn’t woken up today deciding it was a good day to die. 

Quite the contrary.

Bella had woken up determined that if Jacob wasn’t going to take her to the meadow, she would take herself.

She’d driven out, and after hours of searching and getting lost, accidentally happened upon it. She hadn't known what she was expecting from the place. It was beautiful, as always, but it was duller than she remembered. Without Edward there, waiting in the sun, the grass wasn’t as green and the flowers not as bright. It was only a place, something she might have as a screensaver.

On reaching it, she’d suddenly realized that she’d never been looking for the meadow, she’d been searching for him.

Seeing the meadow like this, wan and colorless, simply another clearing in the forest with no magic of its own, had made Edward’s memory seem that much more distant to her. Like a child looking at something that used to be magical, but now she had grown up and the wand was just a stick. Edward was gone, had never been a part of this world at all, and now even the meadow was just another meadow.

Perhaps it wasn’t so bad, then, that Laurent had shown up.

She had told Edward that she didn’t want a life without him, and she’d meant it. He’d implored her, half-heartedly and almost as an after-thought, to live for Charlie’s sake but-- She’d lost something vital when he left, lost even the strength to pretend she still had it. These past few weeks, with Jake, she’d started searching for it again but that didn’t make it feel any more real to her. Her life had been pointless before Edward, she’d be the first to recognize that, and it was just as pointless afterwards.

If lives were films, with beginnings and endings, then the credits would have rolled the second Edward left. 

As Laurent had advanced towards her, any other human would have started begging, or maybe even tried to run.

Bella hadn’t.

She’d whispered, “Edward, I love you,” and closed her eyes.

And then nothing had happened.

She’d squeezed her eyes shut even tighter, suddenly worried Laurent was going to make some type of game out of it. Maybe he’d wanted her to watch him do it. James, after all, had been very set on making a show of Bella’s death.

Several seconds had passed.

She’d tentatively opened her eyes.

Laurent was gone.

It wasn’t just Laurent either.

The air around her was different, crisper, that dreaded cold mist that always came before the deluge of rain in Forks. Which, of course, was odd as moments ago while overcast there’d been no hint of rain.

The meadow was gone as well. There was a tree right in front of her where there had been planes of grass just moments earlier. The vegetation looked different too, Bella couldn’t quite put her finger on how, there were still trees, still moss, and everything was still that almost alien green she’d come to associate with Forks but--Something about it didn’t look quite right.

Where was she?

Bella would have started walking, away from the tree and presumably back the way she came. Except, as she turned her head to look behind her, the way she’d come had changed dramatically too. 

She turned in a slow circle, looking for some kind of path, any kind of clue as to which direction she should walk in.

There were only trees, endless trees.

She eventually started walking in the direction that looked easiest to traverse. She regularly tripped while walking on flat asphalt, she didn’t want to push her luck.

When she tripped over a root and twisted her ankle only a few minutes later, she wasn’t even surprised, just resigned. Of course she would trip. She was just glad Jacob wasn’t here to see this.

Of course, if Jake had come with her then this probably never would have happened. Well, no, he probably would have been eaten. Maybe it was a good thing that Jake had joined Sam Uley’s weird cult of shirtless muscular dude-bros on roids. 

Bella would have gotten back up, really she would, even though her ankle was quickly swelling and throbbing in pain. But, just as she was preparing to get back up and hop onwards, it started raining.

And not just a pleasant drizzle she could have ignored, either.

No, it started pouring.

Bella looked around to see if there was any kind of shelter nearby. She’d take a tree branch at this point.

Unfortunately, there was nothing she could use. The trees were all those stupid carniforous trees that were hideously tall and only had those dinky little branches at the very top. Otherwise, there was nothing nearby except rocks.

Bella wasn’t exactly the religious type, Renee had gone through too many strange phases for Bella to take any religion seriously, but it was around this point that Bella realized God wanted her to die. Maybe not God, but the Universe was clearly conspiring against her.

So, Bella lay down and accepted death.

(It did occur to her that if she wanted this to happen faster, she should maybe get up and walk some more, so she’d get more injured. However, given how things had worked out for her so far, she had little doubt something would happen to her soon enough to speed the process along. In the meantime, she’d lie back and think of Edward, thank you very much.)

It was funny, Bella had contemplated her death a number of times now, and this wasn’t how she saw it coming.

Given the van, given the vampires, she thought it’d be something horrific and bloody where the only thing left of her might be a few artful blood splatters on the wall. There was that other time she’d been lost in the woods, when Edward had--

But she hadn’t thought she was going to die then. No, she’d felt as if she’d already died that night, and that Sam Uley had simply found her walking corpse. 

She hoped Charlie would be alright. He had his friends and fishing trips, so he’d carry on as he had after Renée left. Still, she hoped those first few months wouldn’t be too rough on him. Renée had Phil, she’d move on too. Jake had already left for Sam Uley’s gang. Edward--Well, he’d already carried on. 

She felt a sense of peace at this last thought.

Her number had been up for some time now, since that day she’d first moved to Forks. The Universe was only collecting its due. 

All things considered, this was starting to seem like a pretty good way to go. Sure, it might be a little slow, but the cold would probably kill her before starvation. Lying out here, staring up at the grey and rainy sky, she’d probably be lucky if she lasted the night. It was a peaceful death.

Unless she was eaten by one of those giant bears Charlie had mentioned. That would suck.

“Bella.”

Was she already dead? That was fast. She still felt alive.

Her eyes snapped open. She hadn’t realized she’d closed them.

It was still cold, her ankle, while growing steadily more numb with the rain still hurt, and the sky above her was as gray and rainy as ever. She’d expected death to be… less cold and wet.

But that was definitely Edward’s voice.

She sat up, and looked around.

There, to her right, sitting on a rock like he was posing for a Barbour catalog, was Edward. He was untouched by the rain, his clothes perfectly dry, and not a single droplet on his perfect face. He met her gaze with a fierce scowl that hardly matched his pale, golden, eyes. 

“You’re not real,” she told him.

“Nevermind that,” he said, as if she’d told him his shoes didn’t match. They did, for the record. They were as perfect as the rest of him. “Bella, you need to get up and move.”

Not only was Bella not going to do anything that would make Edward leave, content with a job well done, but she didn’t feel like moving either. Moving had proved hazardous in a matter of minutes, she was still reaping the consequences of moving.

She was perfectly fine where she was, even better now that she got to look at Edward while she died.

“No.” She told him stubbornly, crossing her arms.

Edward glared, and wordlessly, he got up. He walked in the left direction, weaving between the trees.

Bella sat up straighter. He’d never done that before.

When he appeared, it was to warn her, to incessantly tell her what to do and, more importantly, what not to do.

He didn’t just glare at her and then leave.

Was this how she would die? First left by the real Edward, now the one conjured up by her mind was leaving her as well?

Edward stopped. “Follow me,” he said, in a tone that left no room for debate.

Hesitantly, Bella got up.

Her ankle instantly protested, as expected. Sharp, stabbing, pain shot up through her leg. She grit her teeth and clenched her fits as she fought not to break out into screams or else a deluge of curses.

Edward, of course, watched her with a dull expression, as if Bella was being purposefully slow.

“It hurts!” Bella told him in an accusatory tone. This was his fault, after all, she’d have been fine if he hadn’t made her get up.

“You’ve had worse,” he noted dryly.

She just glared, and hopped on one leg towards him.

He didn’t move to help her, probably because he couldn’t, being a figment of her imagination and all. Still, while it was always wonderful to see him, he could at least look a little more sympathetic.

“I can’t hop back to Forks!” Bella protested when she finally reached him.

Perfectly sculpted bronze eyebrows raised upwards sardonically. “No, you’ll never make it to Forks.”

“Then where are we--”

“Help is close by,” Edward interrupted.

Help? Oh, people must be looking for her again. It’d been several hours and the sky was dark. Charlie was probably not taking any chances after last time. Bella was now somewhat surprised she hadn’t seen any of them already.

She must be very lost.

It was strange, she almost felt… dejected.

Here she’d been, so ready for death, at peace with it all. This felt like the cop-out end to a bad movie.

But Bella supposed she always did survive, even the most unlikely situations. Usually followed by an extended stay in the ICU, but who was counting? 

Still. She felt disappointed.

“That way, you said?” She eventually sighed, pointing in the direction Edward had walked in.

He nodded, and graced her with a luminous half-smile. “I’ll walk with you.”

And so they walked. Well, he walked, she hobbled.

“Root,” he’d say every now and then, pointing to the ground, or “that’s slippery.” She was grateful he did, or she would definitely have fallen on her way.

After what felt like at least an hour of walking, but was probably only about twenty minutes or so, Bella noticed the woods growing thinner. She was approaching some kind of clearing.

As she stepped into it, it took her a moment to recognize there was anything in it other than moss and heath.

At first she thought somebody had died.

It was that instinctual response, that moment where you spot something and your brain has recognized it before your mind fully registers it. Bella was looking at a person, she knew the second she spotted the clothes and the shoes, and the person was not alive.

She froze for a long second, before hopping forward.

“Oh my god,” she said out loud, “Edward, he’s-”

The person was suddenly sitting up, so quickly that Bella hadn’t actually seen the movement. She yelped in surprise.

Then she recognized him.

“ _Carlisle?!_ ” she gasped.

It couldn’t be, not here, not in Forks, not like this.

And certainly not in those clothes.

He looked like he’d escaped from a renaissance fair and then gone to a month long mud wrestling competition. Even his hair, usually in perfect condition and shining gold, was now dirty and tangled up like a bird’s nest, with leaves and mud stuck in it.

His expression was one of bewildered desolation and growing horror.

What had happened since the Cullens left Forks?

Carlisle certainly looked like he had fallen on hard times. Hard times that seemed to involve cosplay and a lot of dirt, but hard times nonetheless. 

She was starting to wonder if vampires could get drunk. That might explain Carlisle going to Renfest and waking up in Forks, as well as why he seemed so mortified to be caught in this predicament by Bella.

She wondered if Edward was in similar condition. Or Alice, or Rosalie. She struggled to imagine it. But then, she never would have guessed Carlisle either. Emmett, maybe, probably. Definitely.

She couldn’t tell what color his eyes were, they didn’t look their typical gold, but what shade of black they were was difficult to tell at this distance. 

“Carlisle,” she said again, hopping towards him, unable to help the stupid grin growing on her face. Her heart felt lighter, practically bursting with joy, and even in the miserable downpour it felt like everything was covered in a golden glow.

Carlisle Cullen was here, he’d come back, and if he’d come back then-- 

Carlisle’s eyes grew wide with horror, and before she got any closer, he’d disappeared.

“Carlisle?” she said questioningly, looking at the spot he’d just been in.

Oh, god, had he really just left her? Again?

Just when she thought the Cullens couldn’t abandon her anymore, Carlisle drops in after a vampire party gone wrong, and then runs for the hills at the mere sight of her. She wanted to tell herself he was just embarrassed, this was pretty embarrassing, but something told her it wasn’t that.

He’d looked so horrified, like she was the last person on this earth he wanted to see.

The hole in her chest felt somehow more jagged than ever, like Carlisle had stuck both hands in it and ripped it open even further.

She looked back, where Edward was.

She knew even as she turned what she would see.

Sure enough, he was gone as well.

She was alone.

For several minutes, she waited. The Cullens weren’t coming back, she knew, but she waited nonetheless.

Then she hobbled over to the spot Carlisle had just vacated, laid down in the middle, and curled up on her side.

As she closed her eyes and embraced death again, she could only mentally kick herself for letting Edward make her walk all this way for nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carlisle, meanwhile, is lying on the ground waiting for death.
> 
> Thanks to readers, reviews are much appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

“He’ll be back,” Edward said confidently.

Edward had been back for an hour now.

Bella wondered what he was doing here.

So far, he’d only ever shown up when she was breaking her promise to him to stay safe. It was the reason why she started fixing the motorcycles with Jake and she’d searched so hard for the meadow. It was the only way she might see him.

Edward didn’t show up simply to hang out.

Yet, that was exactly what he was doing now.

He was sitting opposite her, perfect as always, though a small frown marred his brow. It was the expression he always wore when he was so concerned he couldn’t even manage a pleasant facade. 

“Soon,” he promised as she looked at him, his voice filled with a confidence he didn’t seem to feel. As far as figments of her imagination could feel anything, that was.

Bella didn’t even doubt it, doubt would mean she thought there was a chance Carlisle might come back. 

There wasn’t.

“Do you have a plan B?”

“We don’t need one,” Edward assured her.

Bella sighed. “Alright,” she said. Edward would see soon enough that she was right, so there was no point in arguing.

At least it had stopped raining.

She wondered how long she would have to wait for death.

“He’ll be back,” Edward insisted yet again.

Bella couldn’t help sighing even louder, “Edward, even I don’t think he’s coming back. We both know you’re not real, so stop saying things I know aren’t true.”

Edward huffed, as if Bella was the one being difficult. “You’ll see,” he said, and with that, he seemed to be done talking.

The sky grew darker, and Bella started shivering. It really was cold out here.

Wherever “here” even was. She hadn’t really been paying attention, desperately trying to hobble after Edward, but she didn’t recognize anything out here. Bella wasn’t an avid hiker, but she and Edward had been all over these woods for months.

And there was still no sign of any search parties.

She huddled up into an even tinier ball, and tried to will herself to be less cold.

There was a loud thump on the grass next to her, the sound of something falling.

Bella’s eyes snapped open, and there, just inches away from her face, was a dirty, wet, and disgusting jacket. If you could even really call it a jacket. It looked like it served the function of one, but it was this awkward length, a little too long to cut off at someone’s waist but a little too short to reach their knees. It also looked vaguely like a poncho or a cloak, too loose and not form fitting at all. Even the buttons were strange, they were large and brass, unlike any she had ever seen before.

And it was in terrible condition. Whatever color it used to be, it was now a stained, greyish brown, with the seams torn in several places and mud, grass, and other, unidentifiable substances rubbed into the fabric to the point where it would never be clean again.

And was that dried blood on the sleeve?

It was what Carlisle had been wearing, she realized.

He was taking Renfest way too seriously.

“Told you!” Edward told her smugly, although his smile looked a little strained as he took in the torn and ruined mess his father had been wearing.

“Um,” Bella said out loud. She wanted to thank Carlisle, she should, but this was just weird. Did he really hate her so much that he couldn’t even bear to get her out of the woods? Throwing a jacket that he had clearly put a lot of work into was nice and all, but he could also just take her home.

Still, Bella didn’t want to burn whatever spindly toothpick bridge she had left with the guy.

“Thank you, Carlisle,” she called out, knowing he would hear. Unless he was out of range already. “This is great,” she said, holding up the jacket.

No answer.

“Alright, then,” she muttered, and put it on.

It was awful, the very feeling of it on her skin made her shudder, but it did weirdly smell like him. It wasn’t that familiar Edward smell, not exactly, but it was something distinctly vampire that overpowered whatever mud or grime had sunk into the thing. 

“It would be nice if you came and talked to me,” she called, feeling like she was trying to lure in a rare animal. “I’m not asking for anything, just… it would be nice.”

She didn’t even care about being rescued, she just wanted to see his face again.

She wanted desperately to ask if the others were here somewhere. She could feel the questions burning on her tongue. Was Esme with him? Was Alice here? Was--was he here? 

That they hadn’t made an appearance so far seemed like damning evidence, that one of them hadn’t sent the search party her way even more so, but--

They could all be hiding, playing dead in the woods wearing period piece costumes, he could still be out here somewhere.

“Please,” she added weakly. Her voice quivered, and she had to swallow back the tears suddenly burning in her eyes.

Well, he’d heard her now, either he was coming or he wasn’t.

“He is coming,” Edward helpfully piped in.

For the first time since he’d appeared in her life, this desperate memory of Edward, she wanted to smack him. 

The jacket was warm, at least, so that was something.

She curled up again and spread it over herself, making it a blanket, and closed her eyes.

She must have fallen asleep, because when she opened her eyes again, it was pitch black. A black she’d never seen before, she couldn’t see the forest only a few feet in front of her.

Up above, the stars shone more clearly than she could ever have imagined, more like a NASA star chart than something she should be able to see with her bare eyes. Was this what Edward saw every night with his vampire eyesight?

She sat up, intending to look more closely at the night sky, but just as she did something warm, wet, and heavy hit her right in her face. It hit her with such force that she was actually thrown backwards with her head smacking against the ground.

“Beg your pardon!” she heard Carlisle yell in the distance.

Bella tried to look at the thing he’d hit her with. Easier said than done, it was so dark she couldn’t see a thing. Holding it up against the night sky, she could only guess at its shape.

It smelled like steak, she realized.

Not beef, exactly, but definitely not chicken or pork either. If she had to go based on smell (and god this was weird) then she’d say it was probably of the red meat variety. 

Had Carlisle Cullen really just thrown a slab of steak at her face? Again, this felt more like something Emmett would do. She was now distantly surprised that Emmett had never actually done this before. 

He’d sounded sincere, too. Weird, but sincere.

Edward came up next to her. Somehow she could still see him clear as day. One of the perks of him being a hallucination, she supposed.

He looked even more confused than she was.

She looked at the slab of meat again.

She was hungry, she supposed…

And she didn’t hate steak. He could have thrown her trail mix or maybe a protein bar or something, but, she guessed this was better than nothing. 

Still, eating steak, just steak, that Carlisle Cullen had thrown at her, with her bare, unwashed fingers in the middle of the night, in the middle of the woods, was… not something she would ordinarily do.

She didn’t exactly want to be rude and ask why he hadn’t just carried her to town or brought Charlie and the search party over, but it was starting to get really hard not to ask.

At first she’d assumed he was just leaving her to die, but he seemed to be putting in some amount of effort into keeping her alive.

She supposed it made sense. Carlisle was all about preserving human life, so even if he disliked her, it did make sense that he didn’t want her to outright die either. Except, she felt like there were easier and faster ways to do that. If he wanted her out of his hair, wouldn’t he have just directed the search party here?

And then there was the weird apology. He could have just said sorry.

Maybe she’d misheard him, but she didn’t think she had.

Eventually she shrugged, and bit into the steak. As expected, it was tough going. For one thing, he’d gotten as close as he could to burning it without actually charring it, and it was what Bella would call very very well done. This would be hard to cut through even if she had a steak knife, with just her teeth, she was pretty sure she looked like a rabid dog chewing at a toy bone. 

Then there was the absence of any spices. Not even salt. It tasted like whatever animal it had once been. Which, even biting into it, wasn’t immediately recognizable as anything other than “maybe beef”. 

This was a steak cooked by the likes of Charlie Swan, who had never even heard of a spice rack and thought enchiladas were exotic. 

It was the worst steak Bella had ever had.

She knew vampires, traditionally, couldn’t cook. Esme seemed to have made it an avid hobby, and was always delighted when Bella sampled her latest and greatest creation. However, as far as she knew, the other Cullens didn’t bother with it.

Still, Carlisle had always seemed so competent, the kind of person who could probably build a spaceship in his garage if he wanted to. She’d expected he’d at least know basic cooking.

Or maybe this was another Renfair thing. Maybe he’d been walking around with medieval steak on hand just to appear more human. Maybe uncooked potatoes would be next.

She chewed silently as Edward stared at her. He had that look in his eyes from when he was trying very hard not to look disgusted, though she’d usually seen it directed at Mike Newton.

Eventually, after what felt like at least half an hour of chewing, chewing, and chewing, she was done. Thank god.

“Thanks,” she said, in case Carlisle was still listening.

“And it’s fine that you threw it in my face,” she added. She’d just sat up, after all. It had probably been a mistake on his end. 

Even if Edward now hated her, she imagined he’d be mortified if he hit her in the face with a slab of meat. She couldn’t imagine gentle, doctor, Carlisle feeling any differently. And he had said sorry, sort of.

“Totally get it, you’re talking to Miss Clumsy here,” she continued, hoping to put him at ease. She felt a bit silly talking to empty air, but, either he was listening and she wasn’t talking to empty air, or he wasn’t and no one would ever know.

She fell asleep again soon after that.

She woke up as the sun rose.

Well, it wasn’t quite the sun, as it was still over cast. But the sky was bright again, so she figured the sun was out there somewhere. Typical spring day in Forks.

She had been lost now for nearly an entire day. Charlie would be out of his goddamn mind.

At least Edward was still there. He somehow looked even more beautiful than he had the day before in the misty morning light. It lit up his face and his hair like the light was coming from within him, even as it refracted off his crystal skin.

And the real Edward, she knew, would somehow be even more beautiful than this.

The hole in her chest burned, but she couldn’t take her eyes off him.

Dimly, Bella began to realize just why Edward was here and why he’d stayed with her so long. It was because this time, there was no need to give her any warning. This time, Bella wasn’t getting out alive.

“I’m going to die, aren’t I,” Bella said. It wasn’t a question.

He shook his head, a soft, gentle motion as if he didn’t want to scare her.

“No,” he said, his voice a whisper on the wind. As if her survival was a certainty, as sure as the sun behind the clouds.

She looked down at her ankle, even more of a swollen mess than it had been the day before. Bella had been in enough accidents to know that she’d twisted it very badly.

“I don’t believe you,” she said quietly.

Edward just smiled at her. “You’ll see,” he told her, sounding almost amused.

It was a shame that the figment of her imagination would die along with her, because Bella would quite have liked to see him eat his words. Of course, if she died she wouldn’t be there to see him eat them, but it was the principle of the matter.

She supposed the real Edward was out there somewhere, living his new life, in his new fake high school, no longer distracted by trifles like human girls, and she should take some comfort in that. 

Something landed in the grass next to her.

It was large, green, and heavy. Bella frowned at it, and picked it up.

It was another steak, this time wrapped in a big leaf.

She was starting to wonder if Carlisle had lost it.

But then, he was nearly four hundred years old, and lugged his father’s old crucifix around the world. Perhaps some eccentricity was to be expected. Maybe it was just Esme that kept him in line and acting at all normal.

Praise be to Esme.

Shaking her head, she raised the leaf-covered steak above her head in a salute. “Thanks, Carlisle,” she yelled. Then she unwrapped it, and started eating.

It tasted exactly like last time.

She wondered if he was taking requests.

But, she didn’t want to push her luck. If he hadn’t brought her back to town yet, then it seemed she should be grateful he was chucking meat at her.

Shortly after Bella had finished that steak, a new problem made its unwanted appearance.

She needed to pee.

On any other day, in any other situation where she wasn’t alone in a clearing having Carlisle Cullen throwing clothes and steaks at her, the problem would have been the absence of bathrooms. It was still a problem, very much so, Bella was not an outdoorsy person and prided herself on her refusal to become a savage within hours of leaving civilization.

That, and with Edward right here, she didn’t even have to imagine the look on his face if she tried.

Now, however, she was cold, her ankle was more swollen than ever, and the treeline was several hobbles away. Not to mention, while Carlisle was out of sight, she might not be out of sight for him. It’d be just her luck if she happened to hobble right where he was hiding and dropped her pants.

And now she could never unsee that: Bella Swan dropping her pants to pee in the woods right in front of Edward’s vampire dad. 

This could never, ever, happen. She would honestly rather be eaten by Charlie’s giant bears.

“I’m going to have a human moment!” she yelled in warning.

Then, painstakingly, she pulled herself up, and hobbled towards the nearest trees. Her breath hitched with pain each time her foot came down and she put weight on it, and she squeezed her eyes tightly to keep from crying. It didn’t get easier, either, with each step her ankle only got more painful.

Edward, thankfully, stayed where he was, sitting in the clearing, looking impossibly beautiful.

When she had finally made it to the treeline, she nearly fainted from the effort. She collapsed next to a big birch tree, gasping for air.

A few minutes later, the ugly deed was done, and Bella could only hope the search party would come soon. She was wet, she was cold, she was wearing a disgusting, muddy jacket, and she had just embraced her inner Grizzly Man.

Charlie would be proud, not of her getting lost in the woods again within four months, of course. But Bella embracing nature, yeah, he’d be all over that. Not that she would ever tell him, but he would have been if she did.

With a sigh she looked back the way she came. Maybe she could just sit here. But no, better to be in the clearing where she was more visible. And Edward was waiting for her. Probably, she hoped to god he hadn’t vanished into thin air again. Regardless, he hadn’t followed her over here which meant he was more likely to still be over there.

Back to the clearing it was, then.

She got up again and hobbled pitifully back, collapsing in a miserable pile in what was quickly becoming Bella’s new home. She wasn’t sure she could call it even that, given it was just grass, but, well, she’d been here for a day now.

She stared up at the sky: a dull overcast gray. Typical, really, a common early spring day in Forks. It rarely got sunny until summer, and even then, you were lucky if you got a crystal clear day. God, she may have gotten more used to Forks, but she hated the weather.

Time passed. She started to feel drowsy again.

She wondered if the search party had given up.

It felt too soon, it hadn’t even been a full day yet, and she felt like they normally spent at least a few days searching for people before they gave up. Hikers got lost in Forks sometimes, didn’t they normally look for a week?

Still, the fact that she hadn’t heard anything yet, nothing besides Carlisle, felt like a very bad sign. Maybe Carlisle told them he found her body at the bottom of a cliff or something. Maybe she was such a nuisance to Edward, that it was just easier if they left her in the woods to die.

Probably tied up a few loose ends.

Maybe that was why Carlisle was here, to make sure Bella stayed out of Edward’s life for good. Although that didn’t explain the gritty Renfest look or the steaks.

Maybe he was waiting for the bears to get her, and didn’t want her to die hungry or bored.

That was nice, she guessed.

She wondered where she was.

Had Laurent carried her somewhere and then dumped her? That would explain why no one had found her yet, he could have covered a lot of ground. That didn’t quite feel like it could be it, she’d have felt him holding her and the wind on her face, but it was the only thing that came to mind. Maybe he had some kind of power he’d kept from them that displaced people, but that didn’t make a lot of sense either. He could have just killed her or, hell, picked her up and thrown her as far away into the wilderness as he could.

Eventually, the sky started getting darker again.

When a voice rang out over the clearing, it was like a bell had struck. She jumped and sat up, she had gotten so used to the sounds of nature and distant animals.

“How do you know me?”

Bella looked around, trying to locate Carlisle.

Finally, she spotted him.

He was high up in one of the trees, balanced precariously on one of the narrow branches nearly at the top, in one of those physics defying moves only a vampire could pull off. 

He looked as rough as he had the day before, if not more so. He’d obviously lost his jacket, thrown it down to her. His shirt, if it could even be called a shirt, was this loose grayish-brown thing that had probably once been a more pleasant color, and was in the same terrible condition as the jacket. His pants were distinctly darker in coloring, going to just below his knees. He had no stockings, allowing a glimpse of bright white skin, and his leather boots had definitely seen better days.

That was to say nothing of the look on his face.

She’d gotten so used to his gentle, kind demeanor that it had seemed as much a part of his face as his nose. Imagining any other expression on his face would have been like imagining Jacob wearing tweed, only even more ridiculous.

No, Carlisle was looking at her with suspicion. There seemed to be curiosity in there as well, and maybe a dash of fear, but for the most part he looked like he had a particularly low opinion of everything Bella Swan represented.

It was in painful contrast to how she remembered him.

She wondered if Esme had had a similar change of heart. If Alice had. That would certainly explain why she wasn’t answering any of her emails. 

_ He _ … he had looked at her like that when he first met her. He’d done it again when he left. 

She should be upset with him, she had every reason to be, she was lost in the woods and in pain and all he’d done to help was throw steaks and jackets at her, and now he was looking at her like she’d--how had Mike put it? Murdered his puppy.

But even now, despite everything, she was still glad to see him.

So her face lit up the brightest smile she’d had since before  _ he _ left.

“Told you he’d be back,” Edward told her smugly as he vanished.

And then Carlisle’s words caught up with her.

And he’d said it so weirdly too, like he was doing some sort of accent she couldn’t identify.

“How do I know you?” she repeated dumbly. She made sure to annunciate the ‘h’ in how that he had for some reason decided to drop. 

Carlisle’s lips thinned. “Yes. I’m certain we never met.” He rolled each of the r’s deliberately, not like they did in Spanish class (which Bella had never mastered), but something disturbingly close to it.

She raised her eyebrows.

He was definitely doing an accent. Just… It sounded like he was one of those ten-year-olds who was convinced he could fake a Scottish accent brilliantly but in reality sounded like an idiot.

At her dubious expression he added, “Carlisle is no common English name and I have never been mistaken for another.”

Now he was mispronouncing his own name. She also caught maybe half of that.

“Well, Carlisle,” she said, trying to exaggerate the ‘r’ like he had but failing, Bella had always sucked at rolling her r’s in Spanish. She’d always done better writing and reading than speaking.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this, but honestly, I just want to go home. So, if you could drop the Renfest for a second,” she gestured with a vague hand towards his… well, his everything. He looked down on himself, looking very confused. “And get me back to my dad then that would be great.”

Carlisle stared at her. 

“Beg your pardon?” he asked, looking dreadfully confused, “Might you rip ate that?”

It took her a second to realize that rip ate was supposed to be repeat. This was not funny at all.

“Get me home, Carlisle,” she sighed.

He nodded slowly, clearly thinking hard. “Where do you hail from?” 

“Are you serious?” she asked dully.

He looked very serious.

“What, are you not allowed to break character until the DVD commentary is done?” Bella couldn’t help but ask.

Carlisle just looked at her with utter stupefaction, like she was the one who’d been throwing steaks and doing Renfest all day.

A few hours ago, she would have been nicer, a few hours ago she was overjoyed to see Carlisle Cullen in the flesh and would never have talked to him this way. Hell, Bella would never have talked to Rosalie this way. 

But something inside Bella was fraying apart and she just couldn’t hold it in anymore. 

“You know, I respect you, I like you, I think you’re great. But this, whatever this is, throwing steaks and jackets at me when Charlie is looking for me, he must be worried sick, and all you want to do is stand around in trees doing a bad accent!” Her voice had risen by the end there.

She tried to calm herself back down. It wouldn’t do for her to scare away the only person who could help. Even if that help was limited to projectile steaks.

“Could you at least get down here?” she asked, craning her neck up to continue looking at him, “It’s exhausting talking to a tree.” She was glad his hearing at least meant she wouldn’t have to yell.

Although at this point she supposed she should be grateful he wasn’t pretending to have human hearing on top of everything else.

Carlisle actually pressed back in the tree, looking frightened, like she’d threatened to bite him, “No.”

“No?”

“‘tis not vase,” he added, a look of terror and discomfort spreading across his face. 

  
  


His lips curled, and he struck his hand in front of his mouth, making an odd, moaning sound. His eyes squeezed shut, and then he was gone.

Just like that.

“Carlisle?” she tried.

Oh god, she didn’t think she’d actually scare him off.

Also, vase? Well, not vase, he’d said it more like vaze if that was even a word. Maybe he’d meant vice. Or maybe ways? Wise? That one would make more sense. Had he forgotten how ‘w’ worked? Had he forgotten how English worked?

Why was he acting like this?

“Carlisle!” she tried again, trying to get up on her feet only to fall back with a pained yelp as she’d forgotten about her ankle. 

“I didn’t mean it,” she yelled, even though she knew, she just knew that he wasn’t listening.

No one was.

“He’ll be back,” Edward said next to her, suddenly there again. He didn’t look as sure as he sounded, though, a small frown crossing his face as he looked at the branch Carlisle had just vacated.

Bella just shook her head.

At this point, she could only hope he’d keep throwing her steaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For reference, neither of us are linguists but we have done our best with online resources to try and make Carlisle’s gibberish as historically accurate as possible. We won’t bore you with the details, suffice to say that we’re taking this more seriously than we should.
> 
> Go big or go home.
> 
> To Bella, Carlisle now sounds like a cross between a drunk Scotsman and a ten-year-old insisting they can do a Cockney accent the way all ten-year-olds insist they can do a Cockney accent. He drops his h’s, rolls his r’s, pronounces the ‘-ed’ in ‘enclosed’, generally pronounces things more like the way they’re spelled, and plenty of other fun stuff.
> 
> To Carlisle, Bella sounds like a cross between a drunken sailor and a woman who speaks in tongues. 
> 
> Thanks to readers and reviewers, reviews are much appreciated.


End file.
